Only In My Dreams
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Companion to Dreams May Die from Vaughn's POV


Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, and the title of this story comes from the Irving Berlin song, "I'll be Home For Christmas." (Even though it's not a Christmas story.)  
  
A/N: This story is a sequel to "Dreams May Die." It's equally angsty, but written from Vaughn's POV instead of Sydney's. I have no clue how many parts there will be.  
  
[b]A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes[/b]  
  
From the moment I met her, Sydney Bristow has haunted my dreams. More than that, she's been my dream-that elusive, unattainable happiness that dances just outside the edges of reality. I used to lie awake at night and wonder what it would be like to be with her; then I would fall asleep and my thoughts would follow me into my dreams.  
  
At first it didn't seem like they would ever come true. As long as SD-6 existed, there was no way we could be together. Then Noah Hicks came back into her life and I resigned myself to the knowledge that my dreams would have to remain just that.  
  
That was when I made the decision to go back to Alice. Well, it wasn't so much a decision as it was switching back to the default. A few weeks later Sydney killed Noah, but by then I was already settled back into my Alice- routine. Besides, I figured that if she wanted to date another man, she clearly didn't have romantic feelings for me.  
  
Later I discovered how wrong I was. Luckily for both of us, it was easy to remedy. SD-6 went down and the next few months passed in a dream. We were together, finally. No more denying how we felt, no more dreaming of one person and waking up with another. We no longer needed to imagine happiness, it was right there with us.  
  
It's amazing how much can change in one night.  
  
[b]Chapter 2: Living a Nightmare[/b]  
  
I've heard that happiness is fleeting, but I never believed it. At least, I never understood what the phrase meant. But when I went from sheer contentment and joy at the prospect of going to Santa Barbara with Sydney to absolute desolation in a mere twelve hours, I knew. Oh, how I knew.  
  
Happiness is fragile. It's there, but it's not really there. It darts in and out of our lives like a butterfly flitting around in the breeze.  
  
But the hardest thing is that we think it's permanent. Even when we see others hurting, mourning their own lost joy, we think that will never happen to us. Then when it does-and if it hasn't happened to you, trust me; it will-when it does, we're struck that much harder. Not only have we lost our joy, but we didn't expect it to happen.  
  
For me, it was as if Sydney and I had been exploring together, walking through caves at night. It was dangerous, but it was also exciting. We had a flashlight and a lantern so we felt safe. Then all of a sudden, the light went out. I was still stuck in the cave, but I couldn't see anything around me. I didn't dare take a step forward, and I couldn't find my way back to the beginning. I was stuck in this horrible, dark place, all alone.  
  
I didn't leave for the longest time. Looking back on it, I think I stayed there by choice. Sure, it was dark, but this was the cave I'd been exploring with Sydney. This was the life we'd shared, or what was left of it. I felt like a kid who loses his parents in the grocery store and refuses to move, knowing they'll find him if he just stays put. If I'd left, if I'd moved on, then Sydney wouldn't have had any way of finding me when she came back.  
  
In the six months that I was out of the country, I lived in this place, half in the present and half in the past. My mind knew she was gone, but my heart refused to accept it. There was a constant war, each of them taunting me. Everyday when I woke up I would be faced with the fact that she wasn't there beside me, but then at night in my dreams she would come back. I got to a point where I didn't know what was real anymore, where I wasn't even sure I wanted to know. When I was asleep, the dreams were sweet, but then I would wake up and I would be living a nightmare.  
  
[b]Chapter 3: Waking Up[/b]  
  
The two years after she disappeared and less than six months after I married Lauren, I received the phone call that changed my life. Sydney was alive, waiting for a CIA contact at our safe house in Hong Kong.  
  
You would think that Sydney coming back would have been the wake up call I needed to bring me back to the land of the living. After all, it was her leaving that sent me off into this hazy nether-world in the first place.  
  
But just the opposite happened. Circumstances had changed, I wasn't the same Vaughn she knew from before. or so I kept telling myself. I was a married man, Sydney coming back couldn't matter to me the way everyone assumed it would.  
  
I kept up this nonchalant façade for weeks, only faltering when a mission put her in danger. Keeping Syd safe had always been my strongest instinct; apparently not even two years couldn't erase that.  
  
Then we were placed in an impossible position. She either had to stab me herself or watch someone else shoot me. That split second before I felt the knife sink into my abdomen was one of the most emotional moments in my life after learning she was dead. Her eyes bore into mine, begging me not to hold her next actions against her. I held her gaze, my own expression telling her I understood, and that if the positions were turned I would not hesitate. As hard as it would be to purposely cause her pain, I would rather do that than let her die. that protective instinct again I suppose.  
  
And then it was done, the pain searing my flesh and closing my eyes once more, sending me back to the world of dreams. I vaguely felt myself tumble down into a ravine, and then everything went black.  
  
The next thing I remember is waking up to see Sydney by my side. She came to me and gave me the sweetest gift imaginable-she told me she missed me. Hearing her say it gave me to courage to let her know I felt the same way. My hand was on her cheek and she was leaning into my caress in a gesture as familiar as it was new. And then we were kissing and for the first time in two years I was awake. But instead of the moment ending softly as it should have, she pulled back slightly and stabbed me again. yelling at me for betraying her.  
  
My sudden anguish pulled me back to the land of the living. I looked around for a moment expecting to see Sydney, to feel the knife in my stomach, but Lauren was there instead. I realized it had been a dream; I can't say if the sigh I drew was one of relief or disappointment.  
  
I can tell you one thing though based on that dream. Despite what I've tried to tell everyone, nothing has changed. I may love my wife, but my heart still beats for Sydney. The guilt I feel for having given up on us is unmistakable, as is the fact that I truly wanted Sydney to be there when I woke up-the fact that only Sydney can wake me up.  
  
[b]Chapter 4: Please Don't Pinch Me[/b]  
  
Nietzsche once said, "I fly in dreams, I know it is my privilege, I do not recall a single situation in dreams when I was unable to fly." For me, flying is being with Sydney. In every dream I have had since I met her, every good dream, happiness equaled being with her.  
  
First it was expressed in the pursuit of the unattainable-I'd wake up and sigh, knowing it was only a dream and that today or maybe tomorrow I'd have to go to that cold warehouse to give her another counter mission and pretend that I wasn't falling in love with her. For over a year, that was my life.  
  
Then my dreams literally came true. Out of habit I would struggle to stay in my dreams, reluctant to let her go with the cold light of day, but then I'd open my eyes and she'd be there next to me, more beautiful in sleep than I had ever imagined. My dreams were happy and I was happy, because for once the two were the same.  
  
And then as suddenly as happiness had come it was taken from me, and I was forced to survive on my dreams once more. When I was awake, I barely managed to crawl across the surface of the earth, but in my dreams I was soaring again, with Sydney safe in my arms. There was nothing that could harm us, nothing that could separate us from each other. nothing that could bring us down to earth.  
  
After I married Lauren I noticed that I didn't dream as much. Life was simply life, I didn't want to escape from it anymore than I wanted to celebrate it. I'd moved from deteriorating to nothing to simply existing, which is progress when you think about it.  
  
But then. then that phone call came. Sydney was alive. I was certain that I'd be too excited and nervous on the flight over to get any sleep, but my body or perhaps my heart had different ideas. As I stared out at the Pacific, weariness snuck up on me and I drifted off to sleep. off to dreamland.  
  
That night I had one of the most vivid dreams I can remember. Sydney and I were in Santa Barbara together on that night two years ago as we should have been. It was nighttime and we were taking a moonlit walk on the beach. She didn't know it, but I was planning to propose.  
  
I woke up before I had a chance to ask her. Even my dreams were conspiring against us ever being together. I lightly pounded my head against the cold window, wishing that I could have finished the dream, wishing the dream could have been reality. I would be seeing Sydney in a few hours for the first time in two years. I had to tell her that her world had gone on without her. that I had gone on without her.  
  
How could I do that? How could I explain to her that even though I was married to another woman, she still occupied my dreams? Could I tell her that even though nothing was the same anymore, some things wouldn't change- that my love for her wouldn't change?  
  
Somehow I still need to let her know that I still belong to her, even if it is only in my dreams. 


End file.
